June 19, 2019

Today is the day I tell my children.  Today is the day that I will never be able to take back.  Once they know, their lives will be changed forever.  The phrase “ignorance is bliss” keeps repeating itself in my mind as I look at my children’s innocent and unknowing faces.  I have struggled with this decision since I found out I have this disease.  I have struggled with when to tell them, what to tell them, how to explain it without scaring them.

     Whenever I tell someone who doesn’t know about my tumor/disease, I always feel bad about “the burden” having this knowledge creates for the other person.  I know it is something, if asked, my friends and family would gladly accept and would tell me “it is not a burden,” “we are here for you and want to know so we can help.”  These are genuine responses.  Nevertheless, I feel bad about it.  Imagine how much worse I feel about burdening my children with this information. 

“Ignorance is bliss!”

     When I prepare myself to share my information, I usually feel a bit nervous, but ready.  Ready, that is, until the moment I am facing the unknowing recipient of the information.  When faced with the moment, suddenly, it feels incredibly hard to get the words out.  I feel embarrassed and shy.  I overcome this by forcing the words out.  Once started the rest of the words fall out like an unintended regurgitation of information.  But how do you explain it to a 6 year old?  11 year old?  13 year old? 

     Part of the problem is I am NOT sick – thankfully!  I am incredibly healthy and feel great!  I dead lift 185 lbs, swing 63 lb kettle bells, and run 4-6 miles regularly – having completed a half marathon 2 weeks before my liver mass was discovered. If I had not had that fateful CT Scan in November, I would have no idea that I have anything like this going on inside.  Part of the problem is I don’t want to be treated like a SICK PERSON, which I am not.  I have a diagnosis, which is just words.  They do not define me!  How do you explain it to a 6 year old, 11 year old, 13 year old?

“Ignorance is bliss!”

I feel like I am not ready for this.  I know my children are not ready for this.  This is one of those “life lessons” we hope and try to protect our children from as long as possible.  Yet, here I am.  In front of those innocent faces, to be forever changed by the knowledge I share!

“IGNORANCE IS BLISS!”

Ignorance is gone.  Innocence is gone. Bliss – we’ll see!